Symptom: Making lists as a form of procrastination because the internet stopped being distracting 72 hours ago when you found the end through a mystery portal on reddit and you begun to feel the urge to take a good long look at yourself in the mirror except you can’t because you’ve engraved a list of top five best soapy discoveries on it after your list of top five things that are only temporary as writing utensils rubbed off.
Treatment: Lists. More Lists. Who doesn’t love a list?
Recovery time: I don’t need to recover what are you talking about.
2. Word Confusion
Symptom: Writing almost complete nonsense in the place of real words, forgetting how to spell your own name, typing words that are homonyms, crying, knowing that the exact phrase is out there, just beyond your reach, but being unable to see it from this vantage point. Only just realising that Hannibal Lecter rhymes with Cannibal Lecter and honestly this has nothing much to do with the symptom I just wanted you to know that I am 23 years old and only just noticed that no wonder Hannibal had them all fooled it is a very hard thing to notice.
Treatment: Write all the words you know down on a slip of paper or napkin. Rearrange, and convert into novel.
Recovery Time: Dictionary dependent.
3. Plot Hole Muteness
Symptom: Being unable to explain just how disastrous the plot hole staring you in the face is, or quite how you got there, but knowing it began with some small accident somewhere and now you only have that to cling to. You repeat the inconsequential event that led you here to yourself over and over. You carve it into your shoe. Nobody seems to understand, not even the postman, but that’s okay because the walls of your mind are splattered with the importance of what has happened.
Recovery time: Approximately one book, your book. Finish it.
Symptom: The floor is now lava and the lampshades made of chocolate! If this is just an average Friday night for you then you might be displaying classic adventuring symptoms. Other symptoms may include: answering the phone with a cheery “this is sparta!”, ordering onion rings in crowded eating places just so you can shout “Frodoo! Nooo! The ring!” when anyone tries to eat them, convincing yourself that any unusual behaviour from friends is not a result of your own unusual behaviour but is instead some kind of high level conspiracy plot consisting mostly of aliens.
Treatment: Just go with it. They call it method-writing in the biz.
Recovery time: There is no recovery, only happy acceptance of the path life has given you.
Symptom: There is nothing wrong with you. All the best people in the world are crazy anyhow, and honestly if you have any marbles right now you will need to lose them in order to embark upon this quest. You will need to scatter them to the wind, and smile as they plop into the ocean of despair, as you realise that writing a novel is an act of insane optimism but if you don’t have the guts to be insane then how will we ever get anything done in this life?
Treatment: There is no cure.
Recovery time: Approximately one party hard dumbledore based gif to compose yourself and realise the world is a brilliant and mysterious place.
Are you currently exhibiting any other symptoms? The answer is obvs no because you are all perfect but that is just my opinion of you so.