I’ll be honest, I made this page in a moment of caffeinated jubilation having just completed my seventh cup of tea of the evening. Some might say I was inspired! “Yes!” I thought, slurping down the delicious beverage. “Let us create a page of tea!”
I saw tea as a delightful diversion from the main topic of this blog. A tremendous tangent to leave everyone refreshed and ready to face the music (but, probably words also). I would begin with a short history, after all what is tea without a beginning? We’d then continue our journey, exploring the benefits and range of flavours available. Maybe I’d draw a few graphs. Maybe there’d be a quiz at the end. Maybe it would unite the internet once and for all!
“After all, it’s not as if tea is a controversial subject or anything,” I added, dusting down my tea soaked jeans (I have a drinking problem).
It was not until the second paragraph of what I happily began to refer to as Tea: An Illustrated History that I hit a snag. The typeface was all wrong; it just didn’t shout delicious beverage that transcends all astral planes yet. I went through a phase with a couple of slab-serifs, foolishly thinking they reflected the true institution of tea (and that they had my back no matter what), but i soon found myself meandering back to the likes of Ostrich Sans and Open Sans for the more “hip” and “down with the kids” feel they offered. By the time I’d circled back to Trebuchet my throat was drier than a thousand suns, and my blood was calling out to that golden liquid of life.
Eighth cup of tea finished, I set about explaining a few of the main principles of tea. Beyond the simple instructions I routinely offer out in the staff room, I ran through the fundamentals that people often overlook. “Tea is so often ruined when one tries to sweeten it with gummy bears,” I wrote, thinking I was, by now, essentially the Queen of Tea.
What a fool I was!
I fell into a pit of tea-theories, each one more brutal than the last, when it came to my chapter titled To Milk Or Not To Milk — Is That Even A Question? Somewhere in the middle of failing to remain un-biased on the subject (for my own preference is rather a milk-or-death stance) I realised the root of my issues with the subejct at hand. I had no idea what the inventors of tea had intended when they created this delightful drink, and so had no way of knowing who was write when it came to questions like mug or pot?
To solve this slight issue, I came up with a novel transportation system using a kitchen appliance. I’m not allowed to say what kitchen appliance or where I went to, but let’s just say it involved two slices of bread, and being in a forgotten era where people where billow-y clothes and have no idea who Bill Gates is. Anyway, also not allowed to say what happened (ran into a spot of bother on the way home) but the real upshot of my travelling was not the completion of the tea-guide but rather it’s destruction.
I did get close to the end but soon realised the sheer magnitude of knowledge in it was too much power for any one person. I gave it to my plant to look after during the day, and she nearly died. I sat it on my laptop, and it threatened to call my parents citing robotic rights laws.
So after shredding the encyclopedia (and then shredding my book too), after burning the confetti’d pages and soaking them in vinegar (lest they decide to repair themselves), I have only one thing to offer you.
I like tea. A lot.